(In)visible so(u)litude


Krishna Moda

CHEESE: Am I who you think I am?

STRANDED: I take compliments the way I take my coffee. I don’t drink coffee.

THE MAN: masculinity is a wet fish, that most men are trying to hold on to.

GAZE: Perspective is inescapable.

CLOSE: There’s a silence beyond quietness.

WANDERING: this year she is trying to survive, maybe next year she will live.

DAVID: what’s even scarier than death is dying having not lived.

HUMAN: Infatuation, the dark tunnel I’m running through and I can’t find you.

ESSENTIAL: my mind has been bullying my body.

NOT YET: I can’t waste my life trying to be perfect.

BOTTOMLESS: Let everyday run its course.

ME MYSELF AND I: I’m a piñata, stuffed everyone’s opinion except my own.

HEY THERE: I imagine somewhere in the future, there is a happier version of me.

DINNER: and we didn’t talk after that.

Jim Carrey once said, “Depression is your body saying, ‘I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.’”

And after playing a character for so long, I’m tired. 

Why can’t I connect with the world in the way that I used to and in the way that I know I should? I feel like I’m behind a glass door; I see the world, I want to engage with my surroundings, but for some reason I can’t get past the door. I constantly feel like I’m falling. I wish there were a rock bottom, an end, but there isn’t. I’m falling deeper and deeper into this state. 

I start to forget who I am. The person I see in the mirror becomes alien to me. I wish that my confidence were more consistent. I think a lot about what it might feel like to wake up every day sure of myself. My morning routine usually consists of convincing myself that I’m worth it, and I’m hardly convinced. It’s funny how uncomfortable we can feel inside the bodies we’ve known our entire lives. It feels unnatural to be ashamed of the way I was made.

But I’m trying, harder and harder every day. I’ve been making an effort to face mirrors more often.  

Now I know enough to realize that I don’t have to try to be beautiful, because I already am. I have small ears, a broad forehead, and crooked teeth. I didn’t have a say in how I was made, but I’m beginning to understand who I was made to be. So when I get anxious — when I’m convinced everyone is looking at me — I look at myself and smile because I know I am something worth looking at.

If you or someone you know is in distress, you can call:

Canada Suicide Prevention Service phone available 24/7 at 1-833-456-4566
Good 2 Talk Student Helpline at 1-866-925-5454
Ontario Mental Health Helpline at 1-866-531-2600
Gerstein Centre Crisis Line at 416-929-5200
U of T Health & Wellness Centre at 416-978-8030.

Warning signs of suicide include:

Talking about wanting to die
Looking for a way to kill oneself
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose
Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain
Talking about being a burden to others
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Acting anxious, agitated, or recklessly
Sleeping too little or too much
Withdrawing or feeling isolated
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Displaying extreme mood swings

The more of these signs a person shows, the greater the risk. If you suspect someone you know may be contemplating suicide, you should talk to them, according to the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.

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(In)visible so(u)litude

CHEESE: Am I who you think I am? STRANDED: I take compliments the way I take my coffee. I don’t drink coffee. THE MAN: masculinity